“Love, Simon” and My Ferris Wheel of Emotions

Before anything, with the Disney-Fox merger purchase becoming closer to official everyday, I am including this post about the Fox 2000 film, Love, Simon, on the BOP. Some spoilers for the film are below. Proceed with caution.

There is a moment in Love, Simon where the titular character writes to Blue (as his alter ego, Jacques) and discusses his feelings about coming out so late in his public school career. I’m paraphrasing, but he wonders if it’s even worth the trouble. He’s held in his biggest secret, arguably the biggest a person can have, for so long, what is another school year?

I’m not a crier in movies, so this idea didn’t affect me in the moment. I did fully tear up when Simon’s dad confronted his son with his own realizations and apologies, but that was the extent. However, I left the film with a lot of emotions. I’d never felt like this before, weighed down by what a film had said during its runtime. I had this odd sensation for the 2 hours after viewing that I could breakdown and cry at any point.

Trying to figure out why exactly I felt this way led me back to that specific email Simon sends to the elusive Blue. I resonated. I knew I was gay. The entire world knew I was gay. It was as obvious as the color of the White House. And yet, something held me back my senior year. I felt, deep down, like the time was arising. All these emotions had bubbled up inside me. Many late-night thinking sessions when I was trying to sleep kept telling me to just say those two words: I’m gay. Then, Simon’s thoughts (before I knew they were his) seeped in. Why ruin senior year? The word brings so much hatred your way, do you want to ruin the normalcy of your high school career? Why would you do this.

What Simon had to deal with once his emails were leaked was my worry, and probably remains the worry of every other closeted high school student in the world. Will the bickering get worse? Will the “faggot” comments ever stop? It’s a stressful time.

When his core group of friends get mad at him for creating tension in their friend group, I didn’t understand it. He messed things up, and that was horrible, but do they have no sympathy for his experience, too? Leah, his best friend, says he could have handled him being gay, but not a liar. Imagine being blackmailed about something you can’t explain to your friends without breaking down. They couldn’t even kind of understand where Simon is coming from?

That seems to be a large issue involved in the coming out process, and this movie brings up a lot of interesting points. The Coming Out process of an individual is not one for others to decide upon. No one should be “outed,” no matter the reasoning. On top of that, individuals should realize that when someone is ready to come out, they will. So blaming someone on the grounds of “you should have just told me” is weird and a bit uncalled for.

I, like many other gay teens, felt the same way. Anytime someone even mentioned the word in regards to my sexuality, I went on the defensive. I got angry at friends for bringing it up. People made fun of me on social media and in person and all I could do was “uh huh” and walk away. Someone once handed me a picture of a penis in the hallway at school and said “I know you like those,” and I couldn’t react without a fear of being seen as a faggot for issuing a rebuttal. So, the idea of being outed is a devastating one, especially in this case.

Blue’s first entry to announce his sexuality to the world, anonymously of course, really spoke to this experience. “Sometimes I feel like I’m stuck on a ferris wheel. One minute I’m on top of the world, then the next I’m rock bottom.”

It’s an idea that stays consistent throughout the entire film and really hits home about the high school experience of being in the closet. You forget in the craziness of senior year what you’re hiding, but then you get a moment alone and it all seeps back in.

The movie ends on a glorious note. We see Simon finally unite with Blue. We see a beautiful kiss at the top of the ferris wheel. My audience cheered loudly. I smiled and ruminated. Simon got what he deserved. A boyfriend, a group of friends that love him, and a kiss that he can cherish for the rest of his life.

I came out in college, as I couldn’t stand the thought of what would happen if I officially said something in high school. I didn’t get the high school boyfriend. I didn’t get the driving around the suburbs late at night with iced coffee talking and jamming. I didn’t get the ferris wheel moment, and yet, I still left the movie feeling hopeful.

After coming out, I felt trapped between being stereotyped and my need to stay in hiding, even though I was finally being true to myself. However, like Jennifer Garner says, you leave with the ability to exhale. You’ve dealt with sadness and secrets for your whole life, and now, you can finally enjoy and be present.

I left Love, Simon ready to head to the top of the ferris wheel,  and to search for my own iced coffee person, my own Blue.

So, thanks to everyone involved with Love, Simon for making the movie that I wish I had when I was younger, but also the movie I am glad I have now.